How to Successfully Boost Your Ratings
by young for eternity
Summary: As a way to boost ratings, Michael brings in two young new sales reps, Violet & Teddy, to get & get America's mind off of Jam... too bad Michael's a moron. Full Title: How to Successfully Boost Your Ratings Without Losing Your Mind or Lunch. Ch. 6 UP NOW!
1. New Kids on the Block

**Disclaimer**: Yeah, I don't own _The Office_ or any pop culture references made. I don't really own anything… except Violet and Teddy. And if I owned the Spice Girls, I'd be able to get tickets to their reunion tour.

**Note**: Names in bold mean talking-head interview. And this is set between Women's Appreciation and Beach Games.

**Chapter 1**

(The scene starts with Violet Kennedy at her desk, typing something up. A minute to give you a better visual of what she looks like: five foot six, long wavy light brown hair that hits four inches below her shoulders, big blue eyes that are outlined in eyeliner, nice little smile, skinny-ish. She tries to look classy but always has to add her own little twist to an outfit… like today, she is wearing a white button-up blouse and a black knee-length skirt, but she is wearing a bright pink lacy camisole underneath the blouse, sexy black t-strap heels, and black nail polish.)

JIM: (Leans back in his chair) So Violet. (Pause) How do you like Dunder-Mifflin so far?

VIOLET: (Shrugs as she continues to type) It's OK, I guess. I don't really know anyone… except for Pam and Teddy.

JIM: No? Well, has anyone besides Michael or myself introduced himself or herself?

VIOLET: (Again, shakes head) Nope.

(Jim leans back in his chair, crossing his arms and staring at Dwight, who is typing furiously.)

DWIGHT: (finally noticing Jim) What do you want, Halpert?

JIM: Nothing, Dwight. I was, uh, just wondering why you didn't give our new sales rep a friendly welcome.

DWIGHT: I don't know what you are talking about.

JIM: Oh, I think you do. She's been sitting here at her desk for almost a week—she knows no one—and you don't give her a warm, friendly Dunder-Mifflin welcome. (We see Dwight starting to feel bad.) Look at her, Dwight. It's a crime that a girl that pretty has to look so glum. (Dwight looks up at Violet.)

VIOLET: (quietly as she clicks a pen) All I want is some friends. They didn't like me at my old job.

JIM: What would Michael say about your rudeness, Dwight?

DWIGHT: (He looks like he's about to cry until he collects himself and stands up.) My sincerest apologies, Miss Violet… (Pauses as he tries to think of her last name.)

VIOLET: Violet Kennedy.

DWIGHT: Kennedy. (He turns to his desk and hands Violet something.) Take this Dwight K. Schrute bobblehead as a sign of my deepest apologies.

VIOLET: (She looks at the bobblehead, then at Dwight.) Thank you Dwight. Your hospitality has touched me. (In a hushed whisper) I'm glad we can be friends.

DWIGHT: (Grabs Violet's hands with his own. Violet, shocked, looks at Jim who looks at the camera, his fist covering his mouth to keep from laughing. Angela looks like she could kill Violet.) Just promise me… (He sighs) Just promise me you'll take good care of him.

VIOLET: (Nods) I will keep a diligent eye on him at all times. In fact… I will put him on my own desk. (Does so. Dwight smiles. Jim bites his lower lip, trying not to laugh. Violet remains serious.) Now Dwight… Jim has to introduce me to other people now. I will see you later.

JIM: (Stands up, his face serious) Have you learned your lesson?

DWIGHT: Oh yes.

JIM: Good. (He and Violet go out to the break room and laugh quietly once they do.)

VIOLET: That had to be the funniest thing that happened to me so far.

JIM: I can't believe you got him to believe you! You are such the actress; my hat goes off to you. (He bows.)

VIOLET: (Curtsies) Oh why thank you, gov'nor. Where do we go from here?

JIM: Um… I don't know.

PAM: (Approaches) I hate to interrupt, but Violet, Michael wants to see you in his office.

VIOLET: Oh. Um, OK. (Walks out, leaving Jim and Pam alone. They awkwardly stand there for a minute, looking at their shoes.) Well, I got to—

JIM: Yeah, I should—

(They part. Cut to Violet going into Michael's office. The door closes, but only seconds later, Violet bursts out and closes the door, covering her ears.)

**CAMERAMAN (V.O.):** So how do you like Dunder-Mifflin so far?

**VIOLET**: I walked into Michael's office because he told Pam he needed to talk to me. I went in and heard Michael and Jan having phone sex. That was creepy, especially considering that Michael is REALLY bad at trying to talk dirty. Now I can't even look at Michael. That's how I like it so far. (Shudders)

(Scene cuts to a shot of Teddy George. He is on the phone and doesn't realize the camera is zooming in on him. A visual if you will: five foot eleven, dark brown shaggy hair, blue eyes, and pretty much looks like a Jim Halpert clone… if Jim was all about rock and roll. He wears a blue button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up; his black pants a little loose… and black Chucks, even though it is strictly against dress code. Teddy looks up, sees the camera and turns away.)

**TEDDY**: How do I like Dunder-Mifflin? Umm… I kind of don't. I'm only here because my parents know Michael and he gave me the job. Mostly because when I was eighteen, Michael almost hit me with his car and he promised my parents that if I ever needed a job, he would give it to me. (Looks at camera) And here I am.

**VIOLET**: I'm here because of Pam. I went to Ithaca for communications, but so far no one wants me. I was a waitress at Applebee's for a year. So Pam, being the good cousin she is, got me an interview and here I am. (Nods head) Great. (Pause) Three people have asked me if I've had a sandwich in the last three years, including one of the cameramen. This sucks.

**TEDDY**: Talk about myself, huh? Um… I'm twenty-four. I'm in a band… we call ourselves "Jets to Field." I play the guitar. Our lead singer thought of the name… I hate it, but that was the only name we had… and apparently, "Big Japan" was taken so… (Looks at camera) Damn you, Adam Brody.

**VIOLET**: I'm twenty-three. I wanted to go college for film, but because my mother is a controlling woman, I took communications in general. I like reading, music, photography, writing, and I LOVE movies. I've been modeling on the side since I was seventeen… but not _that_ kind of modeling; I just take whatever I can. I'm single and have been since I graduated from college and found out my then-boyfriend was sleeping with my best friend.

**TEDDY**: How do I know Violet? We went to Ithaca together.

**VIOLET**: Teddy and I went to Ithaca together. We were in the same dorm my sophomore year… he was a junior. The first party of the year, he got drunk and became the Naked Guy. Then, one of his friends tried to date me. That… was not pretty.

**TEDDY**: My friend Eric took her to see something on ice and they played that one song, "You Light Up My Life" over the loud speakers. And he sang it to her.

(Teddy looks back at Violet, and then turns back to his computer, typing furiously. We hear Violet giggle and type something back. The camera goes back and forth between the two until Dwight looks up and clears his throat. They look like they're going back to work until Dwight actually starts going back to work, then they start up again.)

**DWIGHT**: Fact: I don't like the two new sales reps because they are very buddy-buddy. Fact: I've learned that alliances almost never work out. Fact: Violet's desk just so happens to be over with my desk and Jim's… and her desk blocks my view of Monkey. (His eyes grow wide.) Fact: I did not just say that. (He jumps at the camera.) Give me that tape!

**TEDDY**: Dwight kind of scares me. Like he's that guy at work that could just snap… like in that Dane Cook act… I think I'll buy him a candy bar later, so in case he does snap, he'll come to me and remember, "Hey, Teddy gave me candy. He's nice. I'll spare him."

**VIOLET**: I think Dwight hates me because I made fun of his bobbleheads. But because of Jim, I now have a Dwight K. Schrute bobblehead to use for future blackmail.

**MICHAEL**: I'm very excited for our two new additions to the Dunder-Mifflin crew. The producers have informed me that our ratings are kind of slipping and I know why… because Jim is with Karen and NOT Pam, that's why. So, I decided to bring in two hot new sales reps to up the ratings… and hopefully, _those_ two will get together and boost the ratings.

**VIOLET**: Michael said _that_?

**TEDDY**: Michael's frigging insane. Although… (Laughs) I'm kidding. Violet and I are only friends.

**JIM**: Actually, I kind of like the new sales reps. They are two funny kids… like when I got on Dwight's case about not introducing himself to Violet the first day… he gave Violet one of his bobbleheads as a sign of his deepest apologizes. I think I can use them as my newest partners-in-crime.

**TEDDY**: Jim's cool. Jim is hilarious. I wish I could think up of _half_ of the stuff he does. Jim is the big brother I wish I had. The one I _do_ have beats the crap out of me and calls me a girl. (Pause) He's a Marine… and really good at it.

**VIOLET**: Jim and I plan on taking that bobblehead and making Dwight pay us a ransom. (Holds up bobblehead) This thing is gonna get me twenty bucks easily... maybe even fifty if I play my cards right.

**PAM**: I'm glad to be working with Violet. She and I are very close and it's good to have family right near me now… especially with all the, um, stuff going on. And it's nice to have Michael bug someone else.

**VIOLET**: I'm the oldest of three kids, so my younger brother and sister always come to me for advice. It's good to have Pam to go to when _I_ need advice. Except I want Michael to stop being so fixated on Pam's chest… and mine for that matter. It is _not_ our fault we get our wonderful bosoms from our mothers.

**TEDDY**: Once those two start talking… (His voice drops to a whisper as he turns to the camera) _they don't shut up._

**RYAN**: (Shrugs) They're OK.

**TEDDY**: Ryan seems cool.

**VIOLET**: Who's Ryan? (Thinks) Isn't he the one who Kelly follows around all day? (The cameraman says that it is.) Oh, _that's_ Ryan. (Pauses) He's kind of cute.

**KAREN**: (Curtly) I don't think we need new sales reps. I think we're doing just fine with the ones we have.

**VIOLET**: I don't like Karen. And not just because Pam's my cousin and I think Karen is screwing up anything Jim and Pam could have, but because she freaked out when I accidentally stapled something wrong. She acts like she's above me, but really, she and I are at the same level. So she's five years older than me? Big frigging deal.

**TEDDY**: Karen's really hot. But she seems like a real control freak. That kind of scares me.

**ANGELA**: I don't care for the new kids. They are like two teenagers. Honestly. All they do is sit there and instant message each other. And when they're not doing that, Teddy's listening to music and Violet's painting her nails or texting.

**TEDDY**: Angela's kind of uptight. She kind of scares me, especially her pictures of cats and the babies dressed up as adults. But she seemed to invite Violet into the party-planning committee, so maybe she just seems kind of mean, but really isn't. I don't know.

**VIOLET**: She commanded that I join that party-planning committee and pretty much called me a Nazi-loving Communist if I didn't. Being a fan of democracy, I joined. (Pauses) Doesn't Angela realize that during World War II, Hitler, who was a Nazi, tried doing business with Stalin, a Communist, and Stalin said no because he disagreed with what Hitler was doing? Nazis are Fascists, which believe one national or ethnic group is superior where the _idea_ of Communism is that everyone is equal… sort of? So really, a Nazi-loving Communist is an oxymoron.

**ANGELA**: (To camera, as if directed to Violet) Bite me, New Girl.

**KEVIN**: Violet's hot. We need more hot chicks in the office. Pam and Karen are nice, but they're old news.

**TEDDY**: I was at the water cooler today and Kevin comes up. I told him that I drive a beat up '69 Mustang… and he giggled at the number 69. I think I stopped laughing about that in college. I think.

**VIOLET**: The only things I've seen Kevin do is eat Twinkies and ogle at all the women here. That's _it_.

**OSCAR**: I don't really know the new kids… I just know that they annoy Angela… making her talk about how much she hates them. So if she hates them… they could be OK.

**MEREDITH**: That Teddy boy is _very_ cute. We could do without Violet… we have enough good-looking women here. We don't have enough good-looking men. We have Jim… and maybe that Ryan kid. But that's _it_. Women-wise, we have Pam, Karen, myself, and Kelly… maybe Angela if we got her drunk enough.

**TEDDY**: Meredith's nice and all… but she's very touchy-feely. (Cuts to a shot of Meredith stroking Teddy's arm by the water cooler)

**VIOLET**: Meredith… I like her. She's half-drunk most of the time… and that's funny. I think I'm going to enjoy watching a drunk Meredith at work parties.

**STANLEY**: I could really care less about the new kids. The boy needs to cut his hair and the girl needs to wear a sweater with all the perverts in this office.

**PHYLLIS**: Teddy is like Jim 2.0… he looks and acts like Jim, but he's _better_.

**ANDY**: What do I think of the new sales reps? Well… they're smart… but I'm smarter. (Counts off on his fingers) One… I'm older… Two, I have a Cornell education… three… (Pauses) I'm older.

**TEDDY**: (Laughs) Andy's freaking hilarious, especially when he's unknowingly annoying Dwight. But I don't want to piss him off. I hear he gets mad easily.

**VIOLET**: How can I describe Andy? Well… I was eating a tuna sandwich and now I'm "Little Tuna." Apparently, Jim is "Big Tuna." Now Jim and I match.

**KELLY**: I know everyone else may not like the new sales reps, but I think they're just SO great. Like Teddy, for example, oh my god, he is SO funny! And cute, but please don't tell Ryan that! And Violet… oh my Gosh, don't you think Violet looks like Angelina Jolie? Only prettier and not as creepy and not adopting fifty kids and not a home wrecker…

**TEDDY**: She… kind of scares me. Why is Ryan with her?

**VIOLET**: I want to chop off her head with something. She… does… NOT… shut… up. And she talks about celebrities_ all the time_. She shouldn't be here; she should be working at _People_ magazine or _US Weekly_ or other gossip garbage like that. I know she means well and her heart's in the right place but… (Pulls at hair) Argh!

**TEDDY**: Creed… is the one person I'd bring along with me if I somehow got stranded on a deserted island. He looks like he could survive… I mean, sure, I was in Boy Scouts, but I was really bad at trying to survive in the wilderness… and the other boys beat me up… I got beat up by the _nerds_… (Thinks about that, but quickly adds in) Although I'd probably bring Jessica Alba with me too… in case I get a little _too_ lonely. (Chuckles nervously, but there is still some awkwardness since he spilled that secret)

**VIOLET**: When Creed and I were listening to the stuff I have on my iPod, I asked Creed what his title was. You know what it is? "Quality Assurance." We shouldn't need that! Our customers should know that our products are good enough to not need assurance! (Looks around tearfully) I'm going to die here, aren't I?

**CREED**: (Sings) Slam it to the left, if you're having a good time, shake it to the right, if you do it you feel fine, shake it to the front… hi see ya hold tight! (Nods at the camera) Good song. I miss those Spice Girls, especially Baby. She was cute.


	2. I'm Violet, NOT Little Tuna!

As of right now, OfficeFreak is my best friend. Not only did she review, she added me as her favorite author AND story. Yay. And you can go to www . dhmo . com and check out the phony stuff. (You'll see.)

**Chapter 2**

(Violet starts writing something down when her IM noise comes up. It's Teddy. She types back and Teddy's IM noise chimes. He starts typing back when Dwight clears his throat. Teddy ignores him as he and Violet IM each other. Dwight clears his throat again as Violet is replying. Violet, still typing, looks over for a second, and then goes back to the computer screen. Dwight clears his throat for the third time.)

VIOLET: (not taking her eyes off the screen) Would you like a cough drop, Dwight?

DWIGHT: No. Thank you. I don't need one because I don't have a cough.

VIOLET: Well, you sound like you have some phlegm build-up going on if you keep clearing your throat. Are you sure you're not sick?

TEDDY: Yeah Dwight, my cousin died of phlegm build-up. You know how she got it?

DWIGHT: No, Mr. I-Wear-Black-Converse-Even-Though-It's-Against-The-Dress-Code, how?

TEDDY: (Ignores Dwight's comment) Because dihydrogen monoxide got into her lungs.

DWIGHT: Sounds bad.

TEDDY: Oh it is. It's deadly. Here… (Pushes his chair over to Dwight's desk and brings up the Internet browser and types in a URL) Look.

DWIGHT: (Reads off website) "The causative link between Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) and cancer is currently not established, although a significant amount of evidence seems to suggest that DHMO at least plays a role in the formation of cancer, including Hodgkin's Lymphoma, Ewing's Tumor, chondrosarcoma, fibro sarcoma, multiple myeloma, colorectal cancer, Leukemia, basal cell carcinoma, squamous cell carcinoma, and malignant melanoma." (The camera zooms in on his terrified face and he swallows a lump in his throat.) Does anyone else know about this?

TEDDY: (Shakes his head) Hardly anyone. It's really rare. But you know… my cousin lived not too far from here. (Dwight looks over at Violet.)

VIOLET: Yeah, Dwight, I'd suggest bringing in your own water and making sure it's purified like mine. (Holds up a regular Aquafina water bottle) Dwight, listen to us… don't take this lightly.

TEDDY: Yeah, Dwight. My cousin got infected and now she's—(He can't finish his sentence because he looks like he's about to cry. He puts his head down on his desk. Violet goes over and pats his back. Teddy sniffles loudly.)

VIOLET: (Turns to Dwight, her face serious) Now Dwight… you realize how serious this is?

DWIGHT: (Nods) Oh yeah. I've got to warn everyone! (Turns back to his computer and starts making a warning flyer. What he doesn't know is that Teddy sits up again, looking back at Dwight to make sure he doesn't see. Teddy and Violet silently give each other a high five. The camera pans over to Jim, who looks less concerned that Dwight does. He then goes to his computer and starts typing.)

**JIM**: I looked up "dihydrogen monoxide" on Wikipedia… and I found out that dihydrogen monoxide is the scientific name for water. H2O. Harmless water. (Pauses and nods) That's freaking genius. (Chuckles) I'm going to go with this joke for as long as it goes.

**PAM**: I told Violet early on that if she's going to survive working here, she's got to prank Dwight at least once. I didn't think she'd do it during her first week of working here. (Fake cries) Oh, I'm so proud of her. She's like a little mini-me.

(Scene cuts to Teddy and Violet in the break room, leaning against the water cooler as they drink their so-called purified water. Jim enters.)

JIM: (In a loud voice) Hey guys.

VIOLET & TEDDY: (Looking worried) Hey.

JIM: I'm just here to say that I know what you did to Dwight.

VIOLET: Look, we just thought it was—

JIM: (Cuts her off like he's mad) Well, guess what? I think that you telling Dwight about dihydrogen monoxide—A.K.A. water—is the funniest thing I've heard of. And I've already told everyone about the joke and they're all in on it. Except for Michael and Angela. Michael is clueless. And Angela would just kill you.

(Violet and Teddy look at each other and let out nervous laughs of relief.)

TEDDY: You had us scared there.

VIOLET: Yeah, I thought you were going to kill us!

JIM: No way. Did I ever tell you about the time I put all of Dwight's things into the vending machine? Or the time I convinced him the CIA was recruiting him? Or the time I came into work dressed up like him?

VIOLET: You have much to teach us, O Great One.

TEDDY: (Bows his head and raises his water bottle) We are inferior to your knowledge.

(The scene cuts to Teddy walking out of the mens' room and Dwight is posting bright green flyers all along people's computers and along the walls. The camera moves to Michael, who is coming out of his office and reads the flyer.)

MICHAEL: What is this? (Pulls the flyer off his door and goes back into his office. The camera swivels back to Teddy, who is biting his lip as he tries not to laugh.)

**TEDDY**: This is awesome. This really is. I cannot wait to see how out-of-hand this gets.

(The scene cuts to Violet in the break room. Andy walks to the vending machine and walks by Violet, who is eating a tuna sandwich.)

ANDY: So Violet, I heard you went to Ithaca?

VIOLET: Yeah.

ANDY: I went to Cornell. That's in Ithaca.

VIOLET: That it is.

ANDY: (Notices her sandwich) Tuna, huh?

VIOLET: Mmm-hmm.

ANDY: I used to call Halpert "Large Tuna." I should pass the nickname onto you.

VIOLET: (Looks at the camera with a look that says "Oh please") Really? You saying I'm big, Andy?

ANDY: No, you're skinny… not unlike Halpert. So, I think of it fitting to call you "Little Tuna."

VIOLET: That's great, Bernie. (Finishes sandwich and she goes back to desk when Michael runs up to her)

MICHAEL: New girl—

VIOLET: Violet. My name is Violet. Not "Little Tuna," just Violet!

MICHAEL: (Thinking she's PMS-ing or something) Yeah. (Hands flyer to her) Did you know about this, uh, dihydrogen monoxide?

VIOLET: Oh yeah.

MICHAEL: (Blinks) Really?

VIOLET: Teddy lost his cousin to it.

MICHAEL: (Looks over at Teddy, who is in the break room eating his lunch and listening to his iPod) He looks so sad.

VIOLET: It was really tough for him. (Camera zooms in on Teddy, who is air drumming to "Smells Like Teen Spirit." He does not look so sad.)

MICHAEL: (In all seriousness) I can tell. He looks like… he needs a hug… or a friend. Violet?

VIOLET: Yeah?

MICHAEL: Will you be Teddy's friend? C'mon it'll be great, you're new, he's new, he's sad, he needs a friend, you need a friend… it's perfect. Fate, if you will.

VIOLET: (Looks at the camera) Yeah, fate. Sure, Michael.

MICHAEL: Hey, I'm just the messenger here, OK?

**MICHAEL**: It's very obvious that Violet has some hostility towards me. I don't know why though. If anyone should be hostile, it should be Teddy… this dihydrogen monoxide stuff sounds serious. (Reads off Dwight's flyer) "Dihydrogen monoxide is a major component in acid rain, contributes to erosion, and inhaling it may cause death." (Puts down the flyer and looks at the camera, very scared)

MICHAEL: The poor boy needs a friend… we all need friends… we're friends, right Violet?

VIOLET: (Really freaked out) Yes, Michael, we're friends.

MICHAEL: Good. Because in this dog-eat-dog world of Dunder-Mifflin, it is a comforting thought to me to know whom my true friends are. (He pats Violet's shoulder. Camera zooms in on Violet, who looks _really_ freaked out by this.)

VIOLET: I'll go hug Teddy now.

MICHAEL: Atta girl! Way to be a good co-worker!

(The camera follows Violet over to Teddy. She sits down beside him.)

VIOLET: I'm sorry.

TEDDY: For what?

VIOLET: Michael said that you looked sad and that you needed a hug.

PHYLLIS: (Walks in) Hey Teddy, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about your cousin.

TEDDY: (Not aware Phyllis is in on the joke) Um, thanks Phyllis.

VIOLET: (Whispers) Ted. Phyllis knows that the whole thing's fake.

PHYLLIS: Dwight was following me around, accusing me of being in on it, so I thought if I gave my condolences, he'd leave me alone.

VIOLET: Has he?

PHYLLIS: (Looks back. Dwight is standing beside Michael, both growing impatient) Well, no.

MICHAEL: VIOLET, JUST HUG TEDDY ALREADY!

TEDDY: (To Violet) What? Why?

VIOLET: He heard about your dead "cousin" and he said you needed a friend and that since we're new, it's fate and whatnot. And he wants me to hug you.

TEDDY: (Doesn't say anything) Well?

VIOLET: Well what?

TEDDY: Aren't you going to hug me?

VIOLET: You want me to?

TEDDY: Sure. I don't care.

VIOLET: Is Michael looking?

TEDDY: (Looks. Michael is standing by Violet's desk. He watches and waits for the hug) Yes. And it's freaking me out.

VIOLET: OK. (Moves her chair over and puts her arms out for a hug) I'm ready when you are.

TEDDY: (Puts down his fork and holds his arms out to hug Violet) Here we go. (He leans in.)

MICHAEL: (Starts chanting, softly and slowly at first, then picking up speed) Hug. Hug. Hug! Hug! HUG! HUG! (Once they do, he raises his arms up like it's a touchdown.)

TEDDY: (Whispers in Violet's ear) How long do we hug for?

VIOLET: Just for, like, five seconds. Then Michael can leave us alone. (They pull away.)

TEDDY: Cool. If hugging you means Michael leaving me alone, I say let's hug more often. (Hands Violet one earbud from his iPod) Do you like music?

VIOLET: That's like asking me if I breathe. What are you listening to?

TEDDY: Well, The Shins now. (The camera zooms up to Michael's face. He is smiling.)

**MICHAEL**: Yes. This is all part of my plan to boost the ratings and so far, my plan is going well. If Teddy and Violet get together, then everyone will be distracted from the whole Jim and Pam and Karen mess and focus on Teddy and Violet. They will watch and hope that Teddy and Violet get married and have little babies running around. Or at least just have an awesome one-night stand. Maybe she'll get pregnant and there will be some awkwardness to take away the awkwardness from Jimbo and Pam-a-lama. That would _so_ rock. Now… all I have to worry about this dihydrogen monoxide stuff.


	3. Bingo is Your Nameo

Thank you to OfficeFreak and Downwind Sailor. :)

I don't own The Office, Harry Potter, or The Holiday… if you've seen The Holiday or read the last Harry Potter, you'll know where I used the references. If you haven't read the last Harry Potter… well, it sucks to be you, doesn't it? But point is that I own none of those things. Sorry to get your hopes up there, kids.

**Chapter 3**

(We start the scene with Pam and Violet in the break room, eating lunch. It's been three days since Violet and Teddy told Dwight about dihydrogen monoxide.)

PAM: So how do you like it?

VIOLET: It's my first week, Pam. Did you like your first week here?

PAM: Well… yeah, kind of. (Looks over at Jim, who is at his desk. Violet sees Pam do this.)

VIOLET: So… you want to tell me what's the deal between you and Jim?

PAM: There's no deal between Jim and I. He has Karen and I have… Ben and Jerry.

VIOLET: Pam, you've got to be more assertive. This is your life and you should be the leading lady. Right now, you're acting more like the best friend.

PAM: (Nods) OK. Thanks. But I really don't think that's going to do me any good right now.

VIOLET: OK. Well I'm here for you.

**PAM**: Violet SO stole that from _The Holiday_! I should kick her scrawny little ass.

PAM: So you coming to my art show tomorrow?

VIOLET: (Nods as she holds a hand up to her mouth.) Yeah, I'm totally going to be there. You know whom you should ask?

PAM: Dwight?

VIOLET: HA HA, no. Ask Jim.

PAM: (Puts down her sandwich) No.

VIOLET: Why not?

PAM: Because—

VIOLET: Give me one good reason why you shouldn't invite Jim. (Pam stutters.) I thought so. Before he leaves, give him an invite.

(Dwight enters the break room, looking over Pam and Violet's lunch. He picks up Pam's water bottle and opens it up.)

PAM: (looks at the camera then Dwight) Dwight, what are you doing?

DWIGHT: Do not be alarmed, Pamela Beesly. I am just performing a test to make sure of the level of dihydrogen monoxide in your water. (Pulls out one cotton swab and dips it in the water)

VIOLET: Dwight, what are you doing?

DWIGHT: (Closes her water bottle) I just told Ms. Beesly. I expected you to listen. (Grabs a tiny squirt bottle out from his jacket and he puts a couple of drops on the cotton swab. It turns red.) Oh no. (Picks up Pam's bottle and sees that she drank half of it) Pam, take this! (Hands her a colorful pill) It'll reverse the damaging effects of the DHMO!

PAM: Oh no. Thank you Dwight. You're so prepared! (Takes it.)

DWIGHT: (Looks at camera and smiles) Mission accomplished. (Walks out)

VIOLET: So what is that really?

PAM: An orange Tic-Tac.

VIOLET: Nice. (Camera looks over at Teddy and Jim who air high-five each other.)

**TEDDY**: Jim and I sent Dwight a package from The National Center of Dihydrogen Monoxide Control. Inside our package was a bunch of cotton swabs, a plastic squirt bottle filled with red food dye, a prescription bottle filled with Tic-Tacs, and instructions. (Reads off his copy of the instructions) To test for DHMO, dip the cotton swab in the questionable liquid. Then take the squirt bottle and put two drops of the liquid on the swab. If the swab doesn't turn red, there is no DHMO. If it does, there is DHMO and get rid of the liquid immediately by flushing down the toilet. The germs of the toilet water will kill the DHMO.

(Cut to Michael storming into the office.)

MICHAEL: Everyone to the conference room. Now!

(Jim and Teddy look at the camera, both trying to hide a smile. Cut to everyone in the conference room. Michael has a giant whiteboard behind him.)

MICHAEL: Everyone here? (When no one objects) Good. (Violet raises her hand.) Yes, Violet?

VIOLET: Why are we here?

MICHAEL: Why? Well, it's very simple. (Points to Dwight) Dwight, you have been duped!

DWIGHT: What?

MICHAEL: Duped, Dwight! It's called alliteration, look it up! I looked up dihydrogen monoxide on Wikipedia last night and you know what it is? (Turns to the whiteboard and starts writing on it) Dihydrogen means two hydrogen molecules. Monoxide means one oxygen molecule. (He writes it out as 2H10.) Can anyone tell me what 2H10 is?

KAREN: H20?

MICHAEL: And what is that?

PAM: Water?

MICHAEL: (Points to her) And Bingo is your name-o!

DWIGHT: So does that mean there really isn't a National Center of Dihydrogen Monoxide Control?

MICHAEL: I don't know, Dwight, probably not. (Turns to Teddy) Teddy, you said your _cousin_ died from dihydrogen monoxide?

TEDDY: That's what my older brother told me.

MICHAEL: Well, the way I see it, there can only one explanation for that… (Pauses for dramatic effect) Teddy, your cousin drowned!

TEDDY: (Sits there, taking it all in, as if he's hearing it for the first time. He looks up at Michael.) That explanation _totally_ makes much more sense. I mean she _was_ out on the lake. (Rests his head on Violet's shoulder. She pats his head.)

DWIGHT: (Angry) Are you kidding me? He was totally making it up! He's a Jim Halpert clone, just like Violet is Pam's clone!

PAM: She's my _cousin_, not my clone.

ANDY: Yeah Dwight, the only resemblance you can see is their bosoms. (Everyone looks over at Andy, except Kevin, who looks at Pam and Violet's chest. Pam is shocked and disgusted. Violet is glaring at Andy.)

VIOLET: Andy, f [CENSOR off.

(Everyone then looks over at Violet, who can't believe the words just left her mouth. Ryan then stands up and he starts clapping. Stanley follows soon after. When no one else starts clapping, they look at each other and sit down.)

**STANLEY**: I've wanted to say that to some of these people forever and this girl has been here a week and has already said it. Thank you, new girl.

**CAMERAMAN**: (off-screen) So would you say she's your hero?

**STANLEY**: (Frowns) Let's not get carried away.

(Cuts to Ryan.)

**RYAN**: Andy really gets on my nerves, kind of like Kelly. So when the new girl just said that and next thing I know, I'm clapping. I kind of had to stop, you know… because everyone was looking and not… really… clapping.

(Violet shoots a shy smile over at Ryan. The camera zooms in on Kelly, who looks less than thrilled.)

**KELLY**: I've told _lots_ of men to f [CENSOR off and Ryan never clapped for me, probably because those men weren't like Andy… and probably because Ryan was never there to witness it. Also, Ryan wouldn't let other guys say things like what Andy said. (Shifts uncomfortably in her chair)

MICHAEL: Wow. Violet, that was…

VIOLET: I'm sorry. It was uncalled for. But I'm just not in a good mood today. (Stands up) I'm sorry Andy.

ANDY: Apology accepted, Little Tuna. (When Violet crosses her arms) I mean, Violet.

(Violet leaves the room and goes back to her desk. Everyone looks around uncomfortably.)

MICHAEL: Well, everyone, I think we've learned lots of things here today.

ANGELA: Beside that dihydrogen monoxide is really water?

PHYLLIS: And that there's no National Center of Dihydrogen Monoxide Control?

MICHAEL: Well, yes. We've learned that Teddy's cousin really died of drowning, that Dwight is paranoid, and that Violet is sensitive about her chest. Meeting adjourned!

(Everyone stands up and files out. Ryan walks over to Violet's desk.)

RYAN: Hey.

VIOLET: (Looks up and sees Ryan there) Hey.

RYAN: I just wanted to say that the whole dihydrogen monoxide prank was really good. You had me convinced that this was really bad.

VIOLET: (Raises an eyebrow) Really?

RYAN: (Pauses) No, not really. (Violet giggles.) I never believe anything Dwight takes seriously.

VIOLET: Well, thank you. At least I could provide a little entertainment around here.

RYAN: You're welcome. (Pauses) Well, I just wanted to tell you that. (The camera follows him back to his desk. Once he sits down, it zooms in on Violet, who smiles shyly to herself, then goes back to the computer.)

**VIOLET**: I've decided that Ryan's a pretty cool guy. (Smiles as she fidgets with her skirt) He's got cool hair. (Lets out a giggle)

(Cut to Dwight glaring at Violet as he sits down at his desk.)

DWIGHT: I hope you and Teddy realize you have now made an enemy for _life_. I'm He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to your Harry Potter.

VIOLET: And by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, you mean Volde-

DWIGHT: Don't say his name! That's how the Death Eaters catch Harry and Hermione in the last book!

VIOLET: (Flatly) I know, Dwight. I finished the last book. (Goes back to typing)

DWIGHT: (Interested) You _finished_ it?

VIOLET: (Not looking over. Nods) Mmm-hmm.

DWIGHT: (Raises an eyebrow, pretending like he's really not interested) Well, I'm taking my time. I like to bask in the glorious finality that is _The Deathly Hallows._

VIOLET: See, I was _so_ excited that I wanted to know what happened. I just _had_ to know whether or not Harry lives. Thank God—

DWIGHT: (Covers his ears) Stop it! I didn't read _that_ far ahead!

VIOLET: Want me to tell you who dies? It's _so_ sad. I cried more than when Sirius died!

DWIGHT: (Shakes his head) No, thank you! (The camera zooms in on Violet. She's biting her tongue trying not to chuckle.)

**VIOLET**: I'm thinking maybe I'll mess with Dwight's head with the whole Harry Potter thing. Like, one group of people will say that one thing happened and another group will contradict it. (Pauses and thinks) Maybe I should wait a while before I prank Dwight again. (Thinks) But then again, did the Dark Lord wait a while before killing off Fred Weasley? (Holds up a handmade doll of Fred) No. I think not. (Cameraman asks her a question off camera.) What? Oh. I don't know where I got the doll. It was just here.

(Cut to Michael in his office. It's supposed to be a talking head interview, but Teddy is there too, so the camera will go back and forth between the two.)

MICHAEL: I like the books about the crazy wizard kid, OK? I just don't like to admit it because I have my reputation to uphold. You know, I am seen as a strong leader, not unlike Stalin, so I can't have the staff know that I have a—(pauses as he tries to think of the word) what's the word? Oh, that I have a love for the Boy-Who-Lived. Because that is something Dwight would have and I don't want people associating me with Dwight. He's kind of annoying, and a tad strange. (Pauses) You know who in this _very_ office reminds me of Harry Potter? C'mon guess. Teddy. (Camera swivels over to Teddy, who is sitting there. He looks very shocked and confused by this, his eyes wide and an eyebrow raised.) Because he's got the hair… and I saw him wear glasses yesterday. They weren't the Harry Potter ones, per say, but all he needed was the lightning bolt scar and a cape and he would have fooled me.

TEDDY: Is that why you brought me in here, to tell me I look like Harry Potter?

MICHAEL: (Ignores him) Also, because he is brave. His first day on the job, Violet went to use the bathroom and there was a huge spider on the door. And Teddy, being the brave soul he is, took off his Chuck Taylor and killed that spider.

TEDDY: Because she called for you, but you were too scared to kill it yourself.

MICHAEL: Was not.

TEDDY: Was too. You saw it, screamed, and hid in your office the rest of the day with a fly swatter in your hand.

MICHAEL: (Continues to ignore him) And you know who Violet reminds me of? Ginny. Because she is pretty and Teddy loves her—

TEDDY: Michael, I told you. Violet and I are friends. _Only_ friends.

MICHAEL: That's not what the tape shows us. (Pulls a TV on a cart over and grabs a DVD player remote. It shows Ryan and Violet talking and Teddy is looking over, looking a little upset. Think how Jim looked whenever Roy would be with Pam.)

TEDDY: (Defensively) I had a stomachache.

MICHAEL: No, it's called getting butterflies, young grasshopper. You get butterflies in your stomach when you see the person you have a crush—

TEDDY: That's it. (Gets up and leaves)

MICHAEL: Wait, where are you going? (Follows him)

(Camera cuts to Teddy walking out of the office. He sees the camera and goes up to it.)

TEDDY: (quietly) Whoever it was who told Michael that the show's ratings are slipping and that it was a good idea to hire two new people… I officially hate you. (Walks out to the lobby area. Camera pans over to the employees of the office, which is looking at Michael, demanding answers with their eyes.)

MICHAEL: It's OK, everyone. Teddy just needs to go to his car and… play his guitar! Yeah. He'll be back. (Stands there and grins at the camera awkwardly before going back into his office. As he does that, he mutters under his breath.) That did not go well at all.

**MICHAEL**: Maybe if we got rid of Teddy, maybe Violet will go for Jim? Then, that would create a Jim-Karen-Pam-Violet triangle. Although, if that happened, who are the girls at home going to drool over now? Besides, that whole situation is more of a triangle within a triangle, or quite possibly a square. Maybe if Roy came back, it would be a pentagon. How freaking awesome would that be? Actually no it wouldn't be awesome. It would be confusing. (Hits forehead with palm.) See what all this has caused me to do? I have hit myself in the face and now I have a headache. Who has some Advil?

**JIM**: I hope Teddy doesn't quit. I will only have Violet to help me bug Dwight if he does quit. But probably not for long with the way Karen is constantly complaining about her. (Shrugs) I think she's pretty cool.

(It's the end of Karen's shift. She goes over to Jim's desk and gives him a kiss goodbye.)

KAREN: I'll see you tonight.

JIM: OK. (The camera pans over to Violet, who is on the phone with Teddy, who is complaining about Michael to her. She pantomimes sticking her finger down her throat as if to say, "Gag me!" Jim notices her and Violet puts on a smile.) You OK?

VIOLET: Yeah. (Jim raises an eyebrow.) Well, I'm not a fan of your woman. I caught her in a _happy_ mood and now she doesn't like me. (To Teddy) Look, I got to call you back. Kay. Bye.

JIM: Teddy?

VIOLET: Yeah. He and I are going to this art show tomorrow night. It's something he and I used to do in college. We'd go check out local artists and act like we knew what the hell we were looking at. And apparently this artist is supposed to be _really_ good.

JIM: Really? (Pauses) Maybe I'll go check it out.

VIOLET: Yeah you totally should. (Gets up to go to the bathroom, mouthing at Pam, "Ask him!" She comes back, only to discover both Pam and Jim gone. She looks up at the camera) She didn't ask him, did she, Steve? (The camera shrugs and Violet shakes her head.)

(Cut to Pam in the parking lot. She is in her car, buckling herself in her car. She's about to turn on the ignition when she sees Jim walking to his car. She thinks about what Violet said to her earlier and gets out of her car, an invite in her hand.)

PAM: Jim!

JIM: (Stops) Hey.

PAM: Hey. So, um, I'm having an art show tomorrow night and I was wondering… maybe if you weren't busy, if you could stop by. So, here you go. (Hands him the invite.)

JIM: (Looks at the invite) Wow, Pam. (Looks up at her.) I have to see what I'm doing tomorrow night.

PAM: Oh, you're probably busy, silly me. (Starts walking away.)

JIM: Pam! (She turns around.) I'll try to make it.

PAM: (Smiles weakly) OK. Cool.


	4. The Half Chapter

Thank you to everyone who reviewed – I'm glad you all like it! I'm also _VERY_ glad you find the dialogue believable. I try _so_ hard to keep every thing in character.

I decided to put in a mini-chapter of Teddy and Violet at Pam's art show, so it's not as long. As always, I don't own The Office.

**Chapter 3 and ½**

(Camera opens with shots of the art show. The camera then cuts to Pam standing in front of her artwork, looking for a familiar face. Violet and Teddy walk in and see her. They all wave before Violet runs over and hugs Pam.)

VIOLET: Hey!

PAM: Hey, you came.

VIOLET: I told you we would. Are we the only people from the office to show up?

PAM: Um, yeah, actually.

TEDDY: Cool. (Looks at the drawing of the building) Pam, that's _really_ good.

VIOLET: (Looks at it) Wow Pam. (The camera zooms in on Violet's face. She's looking at it, taking it all in.)

PAM: Oh, I just did that, like, two days ago.

TEDDY: Well, it's really good.

VIOLET: Yeah, it makes everyone else's art look like crap. (When someone glares at her) Hey, she's my cousin. Of course there's going to be some favoritism, bud! (When the guy flips her off) Hey, just because no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist, bub!

PAM: (laughs) Well, you guys can just hang around. There are refreshments somewhere.

TEDDY: Refreshments? I'm there. I'm parched.

VIOLET: Me too. We'll be back.

PAM: (Nods) OK. Teddy, keep her calm.

(Cut to Teddy and Violet looking at a painting covered in splatters, cups of lemonade in their hands. At the same time, they cock their heads to the right.)

VIOLET: If you look close enough, you can see the outline of an elephant.

TEDDY: (Furrows his eyebrows together as he looks. Finally, his face lights up, as if he sees it.) Oh yeah! And just below him is a pile of peanuts.

VIOLET: (Raises an eyebrow) You sure it's a pile of _peanuts_? (Camera zooms in on Pam walking away very fast. She has just heard the comment that Oscar's partner made – "it's hotel art." Violet doesn't see her.)

(Cut to talking head interview outside.)

**PAM**: I'm OK. Really. I mean… I'm the last person to tell you my art is like Van Gogh or whatever, so I didn't expect people to cause a riot over it. (Pauses and nods) I'm OK. Really.

(Cut to the end of the night. Teddy and Violet come back.)

VIOLET: Hey, Ted and I are gonna go, so…

PAM: (Hugs Violet) Thanks for coming.

VIOLET: (In Pam's ear) He didn't come, did he?

PAM: (Sighs then pulls away) No.

VIOLET: (Nods) Huh. OK. Well, I love you. I'll see you tomorrow.

PAM: OK. (Puts up a hand) Bye guys.

TEDDY & VIOLET: Bye. (They start walking out when Michael walks in.)

MICHAEL: Hey you two lovebirds!

VIOLET: (Confused, looks at Teddy) Lovebirds?

TEDDY: (Shakes head) Long story. (They start walking away.)

MICHAEL: Hey Ted! Don't give her the goods for _too_ long. We need you two tomorrow bright and early! (Teddy and Violet look over their shoulders and walk faster. He turns to the camera.) I just love those two. They're too cute!

(Cut to Teddy and Violet.)

VIOLET: OK, next time Michael _ever_ calls us "lovebirds" again, we'll tell him we're both gay.

TEDDY: Agreed.

VIOLET: Not that there's anything wrong with that.

TEDDY: Also, agreed.


	5. Yummy Mummy

As always, I don't own The Office or anything else. Technically, I _do_ own Teddy and Violet, but I like to be the nice author and let them be their own fictional characters, not tied down by any one author. P.S. I kinda made Karen a bitch in this chapter. Sorry.

**Chapter 4**

(Open to everyone working the next day. We see Violet give Jim a disappointed look. Jim looks up at the camera with a sad look.)

**JIM**: I didn't go to Pam's art show. (Sighs) Karen didn't want to go, well, more like she didn't want _me_ to go. Besides, it would have been awkward. (Pauses. Then quietly) I think the fact that I really _did_ want to go made her mad.

**PAM**: Well, I invited the entire office and only Violet and Teddy came. I mean, Oscar came too, but that was… And Michael came too… Oh, and Steve the cameraman. Which, you know, is better than no one coming at all, but still. (Sighs sadly and nods, blinking back tears.) At least you got some footage, didn't you Steve? (Camera nods.)

(Cut to Violet standing up to go to the break room to get a cup of water from the cooler. The camera quickly pans over as Karen stands up and follows her into the break room. It moves so that Violet is on the right and Karen is on the left.)

KAREN: What the hell is your plan, Kennedy?

VIOLET: Whoa, paranoid much? (Goes to drink water, but Karen knocks it out of her hands. She looks at the puddle on the ground and the camera looks down with her.) Huh. (Looks up at Karen, the camera looking up with her.) Need a Midol?

KAREN: Cut the funny crap.

VIOLET: (Fake concern) Seriously Karen, I think you have PMDD. It's like PMS, but ten times worse. Tell me, do you get cramps, bloating, and _serious_ mood swings a week before your period?

KAREN: (Crosses arms) You told Jim about that art show, didn't you?

VIOLET: (Shrugs) I may have.

KAREN: And you told Pam to invite him, didn't you?

VIOLET: (Shrugs) Again, I may have. I did so many things yesterday, it's hard to keep track. Try me. Ask me what I had for breakfast. I betcha I don't remember!

KAREN: (Takes a step closer towards Violet, hoping to intimidate her. Violet holds her ground and crosses her arms.) Look, missy, I know your Pam's cousin and all, so maybe Pam told you about Jim. Pam and Jim may have had a thing for each other in the _past_, but this is the present and Jim's with _me_. I win. So I suggest you stop trying to break us up.

VIOLET: (Shakes her head) I don't know what you're talking about.

KAREN: Oh, I think you do.

VIOLET: Do you have that PMDD thing, or are you like this 24/7? If so, I feel _so_ sorry for Jim.

KAREN: Listen—

VIOLET: (Cuts her off and takes a step forward, getting in Karen's face. Karen takes a step back.) No, _you_ listen, Workaholic Control Freak Barbie. I'm going to spell this out for you because you obviously have worked so much that it has killed off whatever brain cells you have left. You're going to treat me like another business associate. You're _definitely_ going to treat Pam like another business associate. You will do this because you come from the Stamford branch which means you're just oh-so-smart and you know that I come from the Philly area—Philadelphia, in case you didn't know, which I bet you didn't—and there, _we're_ smart too. We know when to stop little bitches like you from messing with our families. You will stop this because you know I know a man named Moose who just happens to look a lot like Marlon Brando and he knows people in the government and he can make you disappear. (Grabs a roll of paper towels. She whispers in Karen's ear.) I'm not telling you to break up with Jim. I'm telling you to leave the drama at the door. This is a place of business, not high school. You keep reminding me that you're older than me, but you sure aren't acting like it. (Her tone turns sugary sweet as she thrusts the roll towards Karen.) Now, you're also going to clean up the water you spilled. I know you didn't see me there and I totally forgive you for knocking it over. I hope we can still be friends. (She starts strutting out, the beginning of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" from _Kill Bill_ starting to play as she walks out. She stops and sees everyone standing there. Kevin is standing there, holding a boom box. He presses stop and walks away.) Excuse me guys, but does anyone have a Tums? I'm feeling kinda nauseous.

**RYAN**: No. I have no frigging clue why Kevin played the _Kill Bill_ music. (Looks at camera) Someone tell me why.

**KEVIN**: I like _Kill Bill_. I also like Karen and Violet. But I _love_ a good chick fight. I was hoping that if I played the music from _Kill Bill Volume 1_, Karen and Violet would have a cool fight like Uma and Lucy. (Pauses to smile) That would have been _awesome_.

**KELLY**: Oh my God, did you SEE what happened today between Karen and Violet? It was, like, SO appropriate to play the _Kill Bill_ music just then, because Violet is just like Uma and Karen is _just_ like Lucy Liu. Lucy's strong, but Uma's stronger. And did you see the way Violet was all like "Act your age" and "Clean this up!" Wow. She's so cool!

**TEDDY**: I've decided that Violet is my hero. I don't know about you, but Karen was getting a little too crabby for me. She told me I needed a haircut. (He turns to the camera, his face serious.) No _woman_ tells me what to do with my hair… except maybe my mother. She's kind of scary sometimes. It's just easier if I listen to her.

(Cut to a close-up of Jim and Violet, arguing in the break room. They still have their microphones on.)

JIM: What the hell was that all about?

VIOLET: Hey, I was just sticking up for Pam _and_ myself! Man, who knew Scranton could be so _Mean Girls_?

JIM: (Rubs the bridge of his nose in between his eyes) I don't understand women.

VIOLET: Hey, I'm one of them, and even _I_ couldn't tell you what the hell half of us are thinking. (Runs a hand through her hair and looks at her shoes) I'm not saying to dump Karen. It's just she pisses me off. This whole situation is pissing me off.

JIM: (Confused) _What_ situation?

VIOLET: (Looks up) C'mon Jim. You and Pam are best friends, and then one day, you leave for Stamford. But then you come back with a girlfriend and things are so totally weird between the two of you. Pam used to tell me how much fun the two of you had, but I come here and you two barely say hi! It's hard to prank people when you're in two groups instead of one unified one. Pam hasn't been that happy in a _really_ long time, Jim. I was just excited to see her happy, OK? (When Jim doesn't say anything) Well, um, Teddy and I might go on with the Dwight bobblehead kidnapping, so if you still want in, you know where to find me. (She walks out, the camera zooming out to keep her in the shot. Once she turns to go to her desk, the camera quickly zooms in on Jim, who is thinking over what Violet has just said.)

(Cut to Violet at her desk. She can feel everyone glancing over at her. She looks down at her desk as she continues talking to the other person on the other line.)

**VIOLET (V.O.)**: I've decided that for the rest of my life here at Dunder Mifflin, I'm not going to talk to anyone, except Pam and Teddy and maybe Ryan.

(Just when Voiceover Violet says Ryan, Violet gets an instant message.)

**rhoward**: Hey. So the face-off between you and Karen was pretty cool. (Violet looks over at Ryan. She writes back.)

**vkennedy**: Yeah, maybe for you. I hate drama. And Howard is your last name? 

**rhoward**: Yeah. It is.

**vkennedy**: You know there is a Ryan Howard on the Philadelphia Phillies?

**rhoward**: Yes I realize that.

**vkennedy**: Sorry. I was just wondering if you knew.

(Camera pans over to Teddy, who looks kind of mad, kind of sad, kind of disgusted.)

**TEDDY**: I hope we have one of those trips soon. Maybe one more booze cruise, like the one Meredith told me all about. I need it.

(Cut to Violet at her desk, typing up something. Dwight gets up and goes towards the mens' room. Once he's gone, Teddy goes over and sits on the edge of it. Violet stops and looks up.)

VIOLET: Yeah?

TEDDY: I think it's high time we had ourselves a kidnapping.

(Violet slowly smiles. Teddy grins. Just then, an IM noise comes up on Violet's computer.)

**jhalpert**: A kidnapping?

**vkennedy**: Why yes. Would you like to be in on the plan?

**jhalpert**: Well, I'm flattered you asked. I have many ideas, including disguises for when we take the blackmail pictures.

(Violet looks over at Jim and gives him a thumbs-up gesture.)

(Cut to later. Michael comes out with a colorfully wrapped present. He goes over to Violet and smiles sheepishly at the camera.)

MICHAEL: Violet, from everyone here at Dunder Mifflin, but mostly me, I want to give you this! (Hands Violet box)

VIOLET: (Looks over at Teddy, then back at Michael) Um. Thanks, Michael. (Goes back to typing.)

MICHAEL: Well?

VIOLET: Well what?

MICHAEL: Aren't you going to open it?

VIOLET: Oh, like right now?

MICHAEL: Well yeah. (Looks at the camera.) I want to see the look of surprise and happiness on your face once you see it. You're going to love it.

VIOLET: Um, OK. (Tears the paper away slowly. It's a box. She opens the box and folds the tissue paper away. She pulls out her gift—it's a black shirt that says in silver rhinestones "Yummy Mummy.")

MICHAEL: Don't you love it?

VIOLET: Michael, I'm not a "yummy mummy."

MICHAEL: Not yet.

VIOLET: (Thinking Michael is hitting on her) What the _hell_ is that supposed to me?

MICHAEL: (Oblivious) Oh, here comes the crankiness! (Chuckles)

VIOLET: Michael, what did you mean "Not yet?"

MICHAEL: Well, I thought you were pregnant.

VIOLET: (Taken aback. Looks up at him in confusion and disgust) Why would you think that?

MICHAEL: (Chuckles nervously) Ha ha, well, um. (Looks at the camera in sickness) Someone told me you were.

VIOLET: Who?

MICHAEL: I don't know. There was just a note on my computer that said, "Violet is pregnant. Give her a gift." (Stops and looks at Violet, then the camera, then the office before running back to his office. Violet sighs and looks at the shirt before she crams it back in its box and sticks it under her desk.)

**DWIGHT**: I was the one that told Michael about Violet. She had been complaining about things that are normally symptoms of being with child. There were the aching breasts—

(Cut to Violet and Pam at lunch. Violet starts pulling up at her bra.)

VIOLET: Jesus, my boobs hurt.

**DWIGHT (V.O.)**: Snappy attitude—

(Cut to Violet in the break room with Karen.)

VIOLET: No, _you_ listen, Workaholic Control Freak Barbie.

**DWIGHT (V.O.)**: And there was nausea.

(Cut to Violet outside the break room.)

VIOLET: Excuse me guys, but does anyone have a Tums? I'm feeling kinda nauseous.

(Scene cuts back to Dwight in the talking head interview.)

**DWIGHT**: It seems that I forgot about missed periods. (Feels bad until an idea shines upon him.) Although, it _is_ a nice little revenge prank. After all, she convinced me that dihydrogen monoxide was deadly and she almost told me who died in _The Deathly Hallows_. Although, I suspect she and Halpert and the guy in the Converse are pranking me as we speak. And once again, the office is in on it.

(Scene cuts to Dwight getting a soda. Phyllis and Oscar are sitting at a table, having a break.)

PHYLLIS: Can you believe Voldemort blasted Hagrid's ear off?

OSCAR: Well, what about when Luna confessed her love to Neville? That was _intense._ (Camera zooms in on Dwight, his face shocked.)

DWIGHT: Voldemort doesn't blast Hagrid's ear off. He blasted _George's_ ear.

PHYLLIS: No, Dwight, he didn't.

DWIGHT: Yes! I've read that part!

OSCAR: C'mon Dwight. What Harry Potter book are _you_ reading? (Goes back to talking to Phyllis as Dwight leaves.)

(Scene cuts to Dwight writing something down. Teddy is behind him on the phone with a "customer" who is really Jim at his car on his cell.)

TEDDY: Alright sir, so you want twelve boxes by Sunday? (Pause) Oh, Saturday. (Pauses) Yeah, I have a niece who loves Harry Potter. Can you believe Ron dies? (Dwight drops his pen when he hears this.) She cried for weeks. (Pauses) Oh no sir, thank _you_ for doing business with Dunder Mifflin. (Dwight pulls his chair back and puts his head between his knees. Teddy turns around and looks at Dwight.) You OK, Dwight?

DWIGHT: Ron! No!

TEDDY: (Looks up at camera and smiles) Ron who? What's wrong with Ron?

DWIGHT: (Doesn't hear him) No! Not him!

**DWIGHT**: I think Violet and Shaggy-Hair-Jim-Halpert-look-alike-Kid have an alliance with Jim. But in my past experiences with alliances with Jim Halpert, he will let them down. Then they will have no choice to become allies with me. (Smiles creepily) Nice. (Just then, Violet bursts into the talking head interview, mascara running down her face, her eyes red and she's sniffling.) What's wrong?

**VIOLET**: Remember the bobblehead you gave me?

**DWIGHT**: Yeah? (Violet hands him the paper in her hand and covers her eyes as she sobs. Dwight's eyes grow wide as he reads it. He then turns the paper so the camera can see it. There is a picture of the bobblehead gagged and tied up. The ransom note shows three kidnappers, one in a Darth Vader helmet, one in a Storm Trooper helmet, and one with a Yoda mask. Below it, it reads in bold print: **WE WILL CALL IN ONE HOUR WITH DIRECTIONS. PAY US WHAT WE DEMAND, OR THE DOLL GETS IT.**) Oh man.


	6. Book 'em, Dwighto

Sorry for the wait, kiddos. I have this thing called school. Anyway, I don't own the Office or Applebee's. Never have, never will.

**Chapter 5**

(Scene opens with Dwight in the conference room. Violet is sitting across from him, her cell phone across from her. Pam is sitting beside Violet, hugging her.)

DWIGHT: So give me the play-by-play.

VIOLET: (Sighs) OK. Well, I was coming back from putting that stupid "Yummy Mummy" shirt in my car and I got to my desk and noticed the bobblehead you gave me was gone and taped on my computer was the note.

DWIGHT: Do you have any idea who would take it from you? (Violet shakes her head.)

PAM: Well…

DWIGHT: (Turns to Pam) What, Pam?

PAM: I know these homeless bobblehead collectors and they think that they need to collect every bobblehead known to man. I think they talk to them.

VIOLET: (Whispers) I think they think they talk back!

DWIGHT: Do you know their names or their location?

VIOLET: (She and Pam shake their heads.) They're Scranton nomads! (Cries into a tissue) Dwight, I know we pulled the water joke on you, but I was told it was a tradition! Please, I never meant for your bobblehead to get stolen! (Throws herself onto the table and sobs. Pam rubs her back.)

DWIGHT: (Conflicted) Well… fine. Apology accepted.

**VIOLET**: Actually, we were going to wait to do this, but I was reapplying my mascara and I poked myself in the eye with the wand and I started crying and Teddy suggested we should go through with it today. Give it some reality.

(Just then, Violet's phone goes off.)

DWIGHT: You better answer it. (Violet reaches for it.)

PAM: (Stops her) I'll get it. (Picks it up.) Hello?

(We cut to a shot of Teddy and Jim at a pay phone a block away. Teddy has a Darth Vader voice-changing helmet on. Jim has a Yoda mask on.)

TEDDY: (His voice deep) Pam, _I_ am your father.

PAM: (Not breaking out of character) What do you want?

(Cuts back to Teddy and Jim. Jim is listening to his iPod and doing a little dance.)

TEDDY: I'd like a mansion, a hot supermodel wife, a red Convertible, and sixty dollars for the bobblehead. Make sure he pays it in tens!

PAM: (To the camera) Is it worth that much? (Covers phone with hand) They want sixty dollars for it. And they need it in tens.

DWIGHT: Well, at least we know they're not druggies. They would have asked for more.

VIOLET: (Looks at Dwight) I just paid the rent. I don't have that kind of money!

DWIGHT: Don't worry. I'll pay for it.

VIOLET: Oh Dwight, you've done enough already!

DWIGHT: No need to thank me. (Nods at Pam to continue.)

PAM: (Nods back) Alright, where do we meet you?

(Cuts to Teddy and Jim.)

TEDDY: That's more like it. We'll have the drop off outside of Applebee's at 8:00 tonight. Make sure Violet comes _alone_… and dressed in a cute dress so that maybe my accomplice and I can take her out for a drink.

JIM: (looks at camera, then says in an old Yoda voice) Very hard it is to make face of "Looking-at-camera" with face behind mask.

(Cuts back to Pam.)

PAM: (Now confused) Violet's not going to go out drinking with you!

TEDDY: Well, then no deal.

PAM: OK, OK fine! (Quietly) But don't get her really drunk. And wear different shoes.

(Cuts to Teddy.)

TEDDY: It was good doing business with you, Pamela Beesly. (Hangs up. He turns to Jim and they do a dance for a minute, and then end it with a high five.)

(Cut back to the office.)

PAM: (Hangs up and looks at Violet.) They want Violet to meet them alone at Applebee's so they can get a drink.

VIOLET: (Seriously confused) What?

PAM: That's what I said.

DWIGHT: OK, well here's the plan. Violet, you will meet them at Applebee's at 8:00 in a pretty dress for drinks. Pam, you and I will take my car, follow Violet, and have a stakeout. We'll wait for Violet to call us from the ladies' room and tell us who the guys are.

VIOLET: OK.

PAM: I can't. (Dwight and Violet look at her.)

VIOLET: Why not?

PAM: I have to help my mom move furniture around.

DWIGHT: Can't your dad do it?

PAM: My dad's away on business.

DWIGHT: OK. That's only a minor setback. Violet, you'll go. I'll follow you there. You will go in at 8:00 for drinks. Then once you find out their identities, you will call me and tell me who the kidnappers are. (Violet nods.) We will get the bobblehead back.

VIOLET: OK. I think I can do that.

DWIGHT: I know you can do it.

VIOLET: You believe in me that much?

DWIGHT: Yes. Yes, I do.

(Cut to later that night. It's 7:55 P.M. We see Dwight in his car. Violet pulls up and sees Dwight. She runs up to the car, holding a cup of coffee.)

VIOLET: Hey Dwight.

DWIGHT: Hey. (Looks at coffee mug) What's with the coffee?

VIOLET: I made you coffee. Since they want to take me out for drinks, it might be a couple of hours, so I made this for you.

DWIGHT: (Thinks about it, then takes it) Thanks. (Drinks it.)

VIOLET: (Looks at watch) OK. Go time.

DWIGHT: (Hands Violet the envelope with the money in it.) Here you go. Be careful in there. (Violet nods as she walks in. Camera then cuts to Violet walking into Applebee's. She goes over to a table where Teddy and Jim have been waiting.)

TEDDY: (To a waitress) Julia. A round of shots, if you will.

JULIA, THE WAITRESS: OK. (Leaves)

JIM: (Impersonating Don Corleone from _The Godfather_) Did you get the money?

VIOLET: (Puts the envelope on the table as she sits down) Uh-huh. Now buy me a drink, I'm dying of thirst.

TEDDY: Is Dwight out there?

VIOLET: (Nods) Yup.

JIM: Well, is he going to come in?

VIOLET: (Shakes head) Nope.

TEDDY: (After long pause) Why not?

VIOLET: Because I put some sleeping pills in his coffee. In an hour, he'll be out like a light.

JIM: He's not going to die, is he?

VIOLET: No, no. I made sure. It's all good. He'll just be knocked out for a few hours.

TEDDY: (When the shots arrive) I say we drink to that!

(We then go to a montage of Jim, Teddy, and Violet taking a lot of shots. After about their third round, Teddy and Violet are visibly drunk. Jim, being the responsible one, is taking his time with the shots. Also kiddies, if you listened in health class, it takes some people more alcohol to get drunk than others. Jim is one of those people.)

VIOLET: (Grabs a shot glass) What shall we drink to now?

TEDDY: I say we drink… to Stanley!

JIM: To Stanley!

VIOLET: To Stanley! (They take their shots and all grab another.)

TEDDY: OK, Violet, your turn.

VIOLET: OK… I say we drink… to Dwight! Because without him, we would not have sixty dollars.

TEDDY: To Dwight!

JIM: To Dwight! (They down their shots and grab another.)

VIOLET: Jim's turn!

JIM: Aw, I don't know.

TEDDY & VIOLET: Speech! Speech! Speech!

JIM: OK, OK! (Thinks about it) You know who I really miss?

VIOLET: Steve Irwin? I miss Steve a _lot_. (Bites her bottom lip in effort to not cry)

JIM: No! Not Steve, well I miss him… Pam. I miss Pam. I never talk to her anymore and it's weird because I _really_ did like her a lot.

VIOLET: (Shakes her head) No you didn't.

JIM: How can you say that?

VIOLET: You didn't like her, Jim. You _loved _her. And you still do.

TEDDY: How do you know?

VIOLET: Pam told me about Casino Night… and I'm psychic. (Giggles as she points to her temple)

TEDDY: (Holds up shot after a long bout of silence) To Pam!

VIOLET: To Pam.

JIM: (Sadly) To Pam.

JULIA, THE WAITRESS: Another round, guys?

TEDDY: Yeah, one more!

(Cut to Dwight, snoring loudly in his car. Teddy, in his Darth Vader mask and breathing loudly, hurries over, sticks the bobblehead on the dashboard, and then runs away, laughing. Teddy, Jim, and Violet start walking away. Once they're out of sight, Dwight starts to stir. He sees the bobblehead on the dashboard and immediately wakes up. He grabs it and looks at it, looking for any evidence. He sees the camera there.)

DWIGHT: Did you see anything? (The cameraman shakes his head, shaking the camera in the process.) Drat.

(Cut back to Jim, Teddy, and Violet. They are splitting the money as they walk.)

VIOLET: So there's sixty dollars and there are three of us, so that mean we each would get…

TEDDY: (Finishes) Twenty dollars.

VIOLET: Awesome! I can't believe he would pay us sixty bucks for his stupid bobblehead. I like this job.

TEDDY: (hiccups) Oh, excuse me. (Throws up in the bushes)

VIOLET: Ew. (Then to Jim, quietly) Did you really mean the thing you said about Pam?

JIM: (Sighs) Yeah. Just don't tell anyone, please? I'm just trying to get by one day at a time, but it's turning out to be like _One Day to Live_.

VIOLET: (Corrects him) _Life_. It's _One Life to Live_.

JIM: Whatever. It's a soap opera.

VIOLET: (Nods in understanding) Your secret's safe with me. Don't worry.

TEDDY: (Stands up) I'm good. (Puts his hands in his pockets. Then he looks confused. He pulls out a napkin.) "Julia. 555-0766." OH! That was our waitress. She gave me her number! (Confused) Why would she give me her number?

VIOLET: She must think you're hot.

TEDDY: Really?

VIOLET: That's my guess.

TEDDY: Cool. (Face scrunches up) Was she hot? I can't remember.

VIOLET: I don't know. I wasn't paying attention. (Turns to Jim) Jim? (Jim just shrugs.) OK, so no one remembers the waitress. She must not have been that hot then.

TEDDY: Probably not.


	7. OW Hungover

Sorry to get back so late. School, work, senior pranks, getting in trouble with my parents, and hanging out with my boyfriend (then getting dumped by said boyfriend) all have been eating my time. As always, I don't own anything.

And to krisinmtka: patience, grasshopper.

**Chapter 6**

(Scene opens with Violet and Teddy looking very hung-over. Dwight looks at the both of them, confused. He leans over towards Violet.)

DWIGHT: (Whispers) Violet, what happened—

VIOLET: (Covers her ears in agony) OW! Dwight… why are you talking so loud?

DWIGHT: (Still whispering) But I'm whispering—

VIOLET: (Puts head down on desk) Owwwwwwwwwww.

(Dwight sits back up and goes back to typing.)

**VIOLET**: (Writes something on a notepad) My head hurts. I am hung-over. OK? Everyone leave me alone.

(Talking head interview cuts to Violet drinking coffee in the break room when Jim approaches her.)

JIM: (Whispers) So how you feeling?

VIOLET: Like sh (CENSORED).

JIM: Sorry to hear that.

VIOLET: (Grumbles) Yeah, I bet. (Takes a sip of her coffee) So what do you plan on doing with your share of the money?

JIM: I don't know, save it, I guess. Maybe buy Karen a present or something. (Violet nods and makes an affirmative sound.) What are you going to do?

VIOLET: Mmm, well I gave half of it to Pam. She was kind of in it, so I gave her ten dollars. The other ten is going towards gas money.

JIM: (Raises eyebrows in surprise) Oh. That's… cool.

**JIM**: No, I can understand why Violet would give Pam some money. I mean, she _did_ help out, organizing the whole phony phone call and everything. (Awkward silence.)

(Scene changes. Teddy and Violet are in the break room, sharing Teddy's iPod and reminiscing about college. They're sitting with their backs to each other as they eat. They're both whispering. They're still both hung-over.)

VIOLET: Oh man. I know I'm getting old. You and I could drink more than we did last night and have hangovers better than this.

TEDDY: Mmm-hmm. So I gave Pam ten dollars since she did kind of help out.

VIOLET: I know. So did I.

TEDDY: What's the deal with Jim and Pam?

VIOLET: They obviously like each other, but they're not going to admit it. They used to hang out, like, all the time. Then Jim told Pam he loved her during Casino Night and she was still with Roy, then Jim transferred to Stamford and now he's with Karen.

TEDDY: Wow. So confusing.

VIOLET: (Nods) I know.

TEDDY: I hate it when something's obvious and no one owns up to it.

VIOLET: I know! It's just like, c'mon. Everyone knows you like each other, just own up to it.

(Enter Michael.)

MICHAEL: What's up, you love birds?

TEDDY and VIOLET: (At the same time) We're not lovebirds!

MICHAEL: (Ignores them and sits with them) So guess what you two? (He sees Violet.) Wow. You OK? You look really sick.

VIOLET: I'm just really tired, Michael.

MICHAEL: You sure? (Talks louder) You look a little hung-over.

VIOLET: (Holds her ears) Owwwwww.

MICHAEL: Ha ha. So apparently, there's this opening at corporate and I'm thinking about going for it. What do you think?

TEDDY: Well, who would be your replacement?

MICHAEL: That's the thing. I don't know who.

VIOLET: (Sarcastically) You know what you should do? Hold a karaoke competition, like_American Idol_.

MICHAEL: (Contemplating) Actually, that is a great idea. You get a raise. (Leaves)

TEDDY: (Confused) Wait, what?! (Looks at Violet) I hate you.

VIOLET: You love me.

TEDDY: No.

(ANGLEA walks in and goes to the soda machine.)

ANGELA: God, are you attached at the hip or something? (Mutters) You crazy lovebirds.

VIOLET: We're not love—OW! (Angela's soda drops from the machine and into the dispenser.)


End file.
